Hames’ kit review

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The Barclays Premier League lies around the corner. You’ve compiled your fantasy team. You’ve checked the opening fixtures and the transfer news (to notice Tony Pulis has been sacked as this goes live) and you realise that Football Manager is your only real friend. BUT FEAR NOT. After all there’s KITS to be analysing!


 

So let’s begin with some of the shameful attempts you’ll have the burden of witnessing:

Liverpool (third kit) We’re beginning with Liverpool – a prime culprit of recent years in light of Warrior’s attempts. This third kit is utterly derisory. I must confess I hadn’t encountered this stinker until seeing a scouse full-kit w***er donning his new third-kit; boasting ‘GERRARD – 8’ on the back and European sleeve tags. And I must admit it repulsed my eyes. It’s hurting to put it on here because I have to physically look at it again. Not pretty. To be fair to Warrior there is some potential here, but the red patches spoil it. The collar begs a few questions too.

 

 

Manchester United To be honest, of late, Manchester United kits have been fairly smart, inconspicuous and low-key; simple if you will (matching many of the punters who purchase them!). But this is just disgusting. The standard red shirt, with the white/black accent on the collar and sleeves works moderately well, but it’s the sponsor that invokes rage here. It just screams out to you and distracts you. It isn’t something you feast your eyes on because it’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen; put it that way! It’s the same  story for their away, third and goalkeeping kits too. Here’s a lovely picture of it anyway (also featuring Danny Welbeck’s nipples)

 

 

West Bromwich Albion (home kit) West Brom are one of the *classic* teams to boast a striped kit. This feels an insult to them. Yes, Alan Irvine is their manager now, and they’re still scarred really from Lukaku’s lack of return on loan… But you feel Adidas have ripped the soul from a traditional design of kit. Lets face it, if that didn’t have a badge on and you were asked to identify the club you would have nothing to go on. It ignores the classic identity. Dire.

 

Puma’s goalkeeping kits! (In general)

Yes, Puma. Producers of one particular kit of beauty as you’ll find out later on. The design is truly appalling. In my opinion, at the world cup (or international games in general), it works – the pattern centralised around the centre of the shirt. However, with a sponsor over it looks itself, and makes the sponsor look very out of place. Just look at Tim Krul at any point this season and you’ll see what I mean.

 

NUFC Keepers Kit

 

The rest: The aforementioned Tim Krul’s teammates will be embelished in abomination this season. Newcastle’s away kit, a solid grey number really inspires, doesn’t it?! Puma are getting a hard time, and the final kit of note is Burnley’s away kit. A black/grey number that looks like it’s been printed in black and white because you’re toner’s run out. Congrats Puma.

NUFC Away Kit

 


 

AND TO THE GOOD: Crystal Palace Few things are better to behold than a refreshing Macron kit, and this is a real beaut. It’s smart, it keeps to the traditional Palace style, but yet it adds very subtle changes and features; the yellow accent on the sleeves and collar add to the shirt. The away kit is none too shabby, either. A very smart and to the point yellow number, aided by blue shorts and socks. A little similar to the Napoli away kits of recent seasons. Excellent, nonetheless.

 

Hull City (Tigers?!) Assem Allam seems to want to change the team’s name to ‘Hull Tigers’, and in fact has even changed the badge already. To be honest Assem, call them what you will. I’m too busy feasting my eyes on that kit… Umbro have re-entered the Premier League kit fray and this is a delight. I for one, cannot wait to see Curtis Davies commanding games in this kit. Sleek, simple and yet oh so stylish. Very impressive.

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Best of the rest: Manchester City (away kit) A lovely, smart, graded number here. Also, as Nike suitably display here, the sponsor and Nike emblem are particularly conducive to the Magista which is seemingly everywhere at the moment. A cynical marketing ploy? It’s Nike – so probably, yes! But many pros and amateurs will look neat matching their boots with the sponsors and emblem on their kit. The grading also works well with the colour. I’m fairly impressed!

 

Outside the prem: As usual, there’s the not too serious attempts from the lesser-known teams around the globe. After the recognition that La Hoya Lorca of Spain saw with their Brocolli-inspired kit last season (https://www.classicfootballshirts.co.uk/2013-14-la-hoya-lorca-away-shirt-bnib.html), Cultural Leonesa are the next in line. This season they debut the tuxedo kit. A novelty to say the least – one to be the subject of many a footballing-attire-based joke of years to come. Must take some balls to wear one of these in public!

 

 

AND NOW FOR THE MAIN EVENT: Borussia Dortmund (home kit) #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN #KITPORN Words escape me sometimes. This sexy thang is the knees of the proverbial bee. Wunderschön! Remember all that stick Puma were getting earlier? I FORGIVE THEM. Please, Santa…

~Hames~    James Phillips – @jammyjamiejames (Twitter)


 

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